The Max you know. The Max you knew.

Social media is an interesting beast... 

It allows people to connect and also reconnect from previous lives.  

Yes, previous lives.  Though I'm 33 and turning 34 this June, I feel that there has been a couple points in my life which changed the course of my life so drastically that I don't even think I'm the same person that I was 6 years ago.

If you actually have not spent time with me the last 6 years, please don't think that I am the same person that you knew.  If you have not talked to me, don't assume that the person and image you created is still the same as today.

You'd be sadly mistaken and miss out on the real me.

Love to you all.

CHECK OUT MY YOUTUBE VIDEOS HERE: http://www.youtube.com/user/hawaiiinsomniac/videos 

 Mahalo for reading. Until next time.

LifeTalk - Thoughts nov.24

Let me start with the last line I wrote.

Venting, has made me feel a little better - don't make it awkward - and don't make me regret writing about my emotions.

=====================

While I've been writing a blog for over 5 years, its mostly to write about the things that I am doing.  

Most of you reading this may know what I've been up to, but a few only ever really know what I am thinking and feeling.  I wouldn't be writing this either, if it wasn't an advice given to me by one of my best friends.

I've been back in Spain for over 2 months, and to be honest - I am quite miserable.  I've been quite depressed.  I realized that since I've been here I've spent more time confined to my room in the past month, that I did in my old apartment for a whole year.  While some of you might think this is a cry for help - it isn't, I'll figure it out - I always have.  I guess I'm writing so you can see the signs if one of your friends is going through a rough patch.

I think one of the main reasons I have been feeling quite depressed, is my own expectations.  Coming back to Galicia a second year, you think it would be easier, but it isn't.  I haven't made any friends - which isn't surprising since I don't really make friends easily.  However, coming back to a different place, its like starting back from square 1.  New home, new work, new settings, so almost all of the benefits of coming back to Galicia doesn't exist, but the allure of a new place is gone, since everything is familiar.

Being in this mind space of negativity, has allowed me to explore other aspects of my life that I never thought of previously - in a negative light.  I've never been on a date here in Spain.  While I've always been awkward around the gay community, times like this - I feel undesirable. 

  Thinking about the last person I had a connection with, just makes me feel even more depressed.  I guess its a downward spiral of shame, self-defecating, and my own apartment, feels like a prison. 

I've always been an observer and seeing parents suddenly grab their children's hand when I am on my way to work, the silence when I enter the gym, or the constant stares does mess with me even more, since let's face it, I'm depressed.

It's November, and guess how many of my family members have asked me what I am doing for Christmas - ZERO.  People have this preconceived notion that people from exotic places can't have fucked up families - the truth is, I have one of the most fucked up families in the world - this is why I hold my friends in such high regard.  I don't make friends easily, but when I do, you bet that I'll be there.  It's quite amazing really, if I don't make contact with my sisters, probably a year will go by without hearing from them - but you know they have families (so it's my fucking responsibility), not only that, if I go to visit California, I have to go see them at their own time, at their own place, because you know, flying from Spain just wasn't enough.  Fortunately for me, one of my friends is flying into Vegas, just to join me and spend time with me this holiday season.  Not only that, I have a mother I haven't spoken to in almost a decade - and I have no plans of talking to her - EVER.  While most of you may judge me on my actions, you assume that your mother is like my mother - your mother actually has a heart, so its not the same.

Funny thing is I almost left last week, pack up my stuff and go back.  I'm not here for the money, and if you saw my salary, you'd agree.  I realized that besides work, gym and grocery shopping, I haven't left my house almost the past month.  One of the main reasons I chose this EOI was for Spanish classes, and yeah, I haven't been to class the past week - and to be honest, I don't see myself returning in the immediate future.  I haven't studied Spanish in a classroom environment since 1997, and this structure of learning is beyond me, I have no idea what grammatical and tense terms are even though I use them on a weekly basis.  I say weekly because, let's be honest, I haven't had much interaction with the world outside.      

I guess I haven't made it easier either. I've deleted my Facebook, uninstalled my WhatsApp, cancelled my cell phone and ignored emails, but then again that is what someone does when they're in bad mental space. 

Writing this has made me feel a little better - surprisingly.  

I guess I will go have some coffee, shower (don't ask), do some school work and who knows, tomorrow is a new day.  Once I get my new cell phone, I'll activate it.

Special thanks to my friends around the world, you have no idea what kind of strength you give me.

Venting, has made me feel a little better - don't make it awkward - and don't make me regret writing about my emotions.

CHECK OUT MY YOUTUBE VIDEOS HERE: 

http://www.youtube.com/user/hawaiiinsomniac/videos 

 Mahalo for reading. Until next time.

LifeTalk - Acceptance

Something about this letter - just made me cry.

While most people might not think it is a big deal to come out of the closet... it is a really big deal for gay people.  Receiving social messages from the day you were born that you do not fit in, creates a friction between the person you are and the person society wants you to be.  Yes, social messages, everything from color, movies, television, and everything that you see around you. 

This simple letter reads...

“I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me.  The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home OJ and bread after class. We are out, like you now. I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born.”  - Dad

I shouldn't be reading things like this in the morning - I'm such a softie... 

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - Control - Part II

Some people have been asking about the book I am reading, so here it is:

Too Perfect: When being in control gets our of control 

Written by: Allan E. Mallinger, M.D., and Jeannette Dewyze

eISBN: 978-0-304-79862-6

If you're interested in borrowing the book - add me as a Nook Friend.

You can also see my Kindle books here - CLICK HERE

In regards to my self-diagnosis as a control freak, the first phase is acknowledgement.

1st Phase - CLICK HERE - Acknowledgement

Thank you for your support and understanding.

I just wanted to quote certain aspects of the book that I found to particularly interesting:

Pg. 10 - Obsessive people often are controlling or cerebral or distrustful or secretive or emotionally constricted or resistant to change or all of the above.

Pg. 12 - For this reason, I believe that my readers' most important tool will be understanding - coming to a clearer and deeper awareness of obsessive traits and of how they may be causing problems in everyday life, coupled with some idea of how things could be better if certain changes were made.

Pg. 13 - You're one of the solid, good people of the world: honest, reliable, hardworking, responsible, exacting, self-controlled.  But for many people there is also a dark side to this perfection.  

> The person so finicky that his pleasure is spoiled if everything isn't "just so".

> The "thinkaholic" whose keen, hyperactive mind all too often bogs her down in painful worry and rumination

> The person so intent upon finding the ultimate romantic mate that he seems unable to commit to any long-term relationship

> The person so acclimated to working long hours that she can't bring herself to cut back, even when confronted with evidence that the overwork is ruining her health or her family relationships.

Pg. 14 - Rooted in these two needs: to be in control and to be perfect

> emotional guardedness

> a strong devotion to work

>a need to be above criticism - moral, professional or personal

Pg. 16 - I learned that Laura's father had been a picky, judgmental man with inflexible views on the "right" way to do everything.  Laura thus grew up believing that in order to earn her father's love (an impossible task, since he was so hard to please), she had to perform flawlessly.

Pg. 17 - Raymond insisted that he did care about his wife and she should know it; her needs for more overt displays of affection from him were just indications of her insecurity.

Pg. 18 - A significant number of my obsessive patients reveal that they didn't feel liked by one or both parents.  These patients felt that they'd been "good" children and had made real efforts to meet their parents' expectations, only to find a lack of consistent appreciation, or worse, criticism.

Pg. 19 - Though they maybe be inured to it, many strongly obsessive people are suffering.  They may be unable to show their feelings or trust anyone (even their closest loved ones) completely, and as a result live with the chilling sense of being fundamentally alone.

Pg. 21 - Further clarification of the family of obsessive traits.  (I've only included a few)

1. Do you get caught up in details, whether you're preparing for work or cleaning out the garage at home?

3. Have you often been called picky or critical? Or do you feel you are?

4. Is it important to you that your child, spouse, or subordinated at work perform certain tasks in a certain specific manner?

12. Is it important to you to get a "good deal" in your financial transactions, or are you often suspicious of being "taken"?

13. Do you think you're more guarded than most people about sharing your possessions, time, or money?

20. Do you get extremely upset when someone is unhappy with or critical of a piece of work you have done, even when the criticism is mild or valid?

These are the quotes that I found to be very interesting in the Introduction and Chapter 1.  In fact, many pages included many aspects to my own personal life that I found myself crying while reading many of these pages.  I've started the healing process, but I have found that reading this book provides many explanations regarding my mentality which explains past actions.

I should be finished with the book this month, I'll be posting more about my development regarding this topic.

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - Making a difference

This year it really bothers me that I don't have a major fundraiser for a non profit organization. Many of you have supported me in my endeavors for numerous organizations; such as, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, the Life Foundation, the MS Society and many more. Together, we have raised over $40,000 for people who are in need. 

 I want to raise awareness for a non-profit organization which I have been supporting for 5 years - Kiva.

One of the reasons I love Kiva is the fact that you can support people - and it is not a donation.  In fact, it is a loan, since banks do not make any money on small loans (microlending), they have to charge really high interest rates to make $$.  This is where Kiva comes in.  For as little as $25, you can support an individual or a group, with their small business - you decide.  There are many small businesses around the world eager to change their fortunes.  

To learn more about Kiva, CLICK HERE.

I have supported over 450 individuals to change their lives and I am sure you have the capacity to do the same.  The great part is, once they pay back the loan - you can deposit the funds back into your account or help someone else in need.

What are you waiting for?  You're not earning interest in your bank account - so why not help someone?

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - Need Alert - President's List

Aloha everyone,

I am feeling a little bit better - no more fever, but cough remains.  

Today, I am back at school - I need to take some pictures of the school and share it with you guys!  

This place is very state of the art.  

Speaking of school, guess what?  I've made the President's List! (WOW!)  To be on the
"President's List" a student must have a perfect 4.0 GPA (Grade Point Average).

Yes, it is all possible, teaching, studying, preparing, learning and having fun at the same time.

If I can do it - so can you!  =]

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - Sick as a dog...

I had a fever, which finally broke this morning.

My nose is running.

My nasal passages hurt.

I've been sleeping all day.

ugh....

I don't know how I am going to survive this winter.

Well, I guess this means shopping next weekend for warmer clothes.

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

SpainTalk - Getting adjusted

Yikes!  I haven't posted in ages!  Well, that will be changing pretty soon... We're finally (FINALLY) going to have internet installed in the house as of tomorrow night, so yes, expect some phone calls from me this weekend, I haven't talked, chat, or emailed with you guys in forever!!

Ok, pretty soon (promise), I'll be sharing pictures of my flat and roommates and such.  I realized that I haven't posted any pictures of food, so today, I'll just be posting some pictures that I have taken of things I have eaten.  As most of you know, I'm pretty hyper, but the coffee here is really good and its so cheap (only 1 Euro - note to self - figure out how to put the Euro dollar sign!!)

Yesterday was my first day of teaching and it was so much fun!  Considering I haven't worked since 2010, I was surprisingly NOT nervous, everyone has been super friendly.  

So, main topic - adjustments.

1) Working until 2200 - you guys know this is my bedtime back home, now I normally sleep at midnight.

2) Eating! Everything here has potatoes.  I've been eating a lot of seafood.  Meat here is really expensive.  Though honestly, I think I might buy a pound of meat an make 1 big burger (with bacon) YUM.

3) Laundry, I should probably post a whole section on domestic changes (I probably will since I'll be talking about my flat).  There is no dryer in my apartment, yes - my mantees are hung out to dry along with rest of my clothes.

4) Shopping, since I don't have access to eBay.com, amazon.com, 1saleaday.com, justdeals.com, bestbuy.com, walmart.com and many other various online retailers, I will probably be saving a large sum of money - for those of you who have lived with me, you know I normally receive at least 10 packages a week.

Sorry so short, I have 2 more classes this evening, and yes, today I finish working at 2200.  

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - FriendTalk - Life Options

Life has a funny way of working out.

Earlier this year, I was hanging out with one of my bestest friends and after tons of food, laughter and threading appointment, we were talking about life and her wedding day (renewing vows) is on the same day as the race I signed up for, a 165 mile cycling event from Miami to the Keys.  This is completely weird because I have NOTHING at all planned for the whole year.

Then, the next news, getting the job in Spain.  Getting this job in Spain would mean I would miss out on this event (both actually) as well as my dad's 60th birthday.

I've been thinking about all of the different factors, and I've come to realize Life will go on.

If I head to Spain, all these three events will go on without me, if I stay and choose the wedding or the race, the other will happen without me.

and I guess that is what is starting to sink in.  I have been blessed with so many awesome friends all around the world, awesome sisters, and the best dad anyone could ask for.

When does it stop being about me?

Today, my nephew is having his 4th birthday party.  I realized, I haven't been to any.  While he loves my home made card with tons of pictures of him and me, I realize that I'm missing out.

While Spain is a great opportunity, I am having second doubts on everything else that I am missing.  

I recently had a falling out with one of my bestest friends in the world, well one of three friends who has met my whole family and I realize - life goes on.  I can wonder what happened, but my life is moving forward, being shaped by the people around me.  While it is unfortunate that we no longer talk, I finally have closure.  

Life will continue to go on, and the decisions you make in life, affect you as a person.

To Spain or not to Spain?!

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - 32nd Birthday! Lucky Okole!

What an awesome birthday!  Seriously!  I wish more of you were here to help me celebrate, but with the pictures you've sent, I definitely feel you spirit with me!  Of course, I am going to torture you first before I show you the final collage!

Alright, my day started innocently enough, emails, an extra 2 hours in bed, light breakfast, phone calls, texts.

First duty... lunch!  Well, of course today was mostly composed of food, and of course you're not surprised (are you?!) Alright, first stop... seafood - or no see food? 

After demolishing crabs, corn, potatoes, muscles, scallops and dessert... 

Next stop, one of my favorite places on Earth, filled with gourmet products in abundance - Costco! ha ha, I had to buy soy milk and buy this CD (of course!)

Well, one of my favorite things to do that I haven't had a chance to partake in a while is you've guessed it... (or maybe not...) and hey, doesn't look like I'm a bad shot either, ey?

Ha! Well, after the range, a little bit of a quick relaxation time, an guess what - its that time again!  Time to eat!  Not just eating though, being in the presence of really great friends, good food and some alcohol. Yes, I know I look like I just woke up, but hey... I'm in Florida - no need to dress to impress! lolz  Although everyone looked like they just left work and I looked like I was in the Northwest and I just finished hiking, with drawstring pants and a walking shoes.

Alright alright... you're here for the collage...

Oh wait. I'll be updating this another time to add pictures of the birthday cards I received!

Thanks so much for my birthday cards, presents, thoughts, phone calls, texts, tweets and just all the love.!  .

Ok, thanks for getting this far.  =D  Here is my favorite birthday present ever.  Yes, I received tons of pictures, but most of those weren't shot for me.  They were for an even or for your own personal use.  I wanted a picture of you just for me, and boy you guys are creative!  Some of you used your phone to add a note, made a cake and of course puppies! OMG.  Yes, I was emotional making this collage.  <3 you all. Thank you so so much.

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - Happy 32nd Birthday To Me!

Aloha everyone,

I can't believe it, as of today I am 32.  Another year wiser.  This past year has really taught me a lot about relationships and personal growth.  I am truly blessed to have loving friends and family through this journey - even through my temper tantrums, (o_O) which fortunately are having less frequently the more I age.

So what do I have planned today?!  This morning, I am planning to go for a run (yes, it is really therapeutic for me), go for a massage, head to the gun range, take a nap, and have dinner.

What's up ahead for me in the next year? Well, to be honest, who knows? I'm living life from day to day taking advantage of opportunities, while napping in the process.  I'm very lucky to have this fluidity in my life, and that is due to the strong foundation of friends and family that I have.

I probably don't say this enough, but I truly do love you all (except for when I'm hungry).

Hugs and Kisses from FLORIDA!

If you haven't sent your picture with a Happy Birthday Max sign - send it soon! 

I'll be creating my collage this week!

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - Guess what?

ha ha! I can't believe I'm posting about this instead of telling everyone via text or phone call, so if you're reading this you're going to have a June exclusive. HA HA, I'll probably start telling everyone in July or even later!

I got a job offer in Spain!  Galicia, Spain to be exact.

Details forthcoming...  Now go google it! o_O

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

LifeTalk - A Month Off

Wow... Sort of unexpected I just literally took a month off of life.  No blogging, minimal working out, I was sick for a week.  

Though some aspects of my life were not that exciting, some parts has also been moving quite fast.  

I'll be blogging quite frequently in the next month... mostly because.. guess what?  

I start graduate school on May 7th.  I will be working on a Master in Public Health.  ME!?  Who would have thought?!  Considering I was very anti-school and very pro-learning life through experience, I think the educational system does have certain advantages - especially once you have lived life a little bit.  

Also, I've made a complete transition from Mac to PC.  Yes.  I'll be blogging about the transition and what I hate/love about the PC/Mac world!  Hint - I have abandoned iTunes.

That's not all, I've signed up for a race - I'll be keeping you posted as soon as I get the registration in the mail.  Just a note - it will be the longest race I have ever participated in.  Bring it on!  

I do finally have pictures of Dominican Republic and that will be the highlight of my next blog.

Oh guess what!? I'm not a blond anymore! 

Birthday is also exactly 2 months away! Gasp! What to do!?

Also looking for a host... looking to budget travel for 1-2 months!

Wow... I started working out again and it was my 100th activity using the application RunKeeper.
(that's a lot of calories!)

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

Officially a College Graduate - Now What!?

Yup, as of December 17, 2011, I am a college graduate.  Though apparently, it takes the system up to 12 weeks to verify that all things are in order before retroactively proving a piece of paper that validates me as a more functional member of society. (yey!)

 

 To be honest, I never thought this day would come.  College really wasn't for me when I was younger, I had no desire to mingle with kids my age that just talked about things I really could care less about.  Weird thing is, I knew I was going to be successful even without a degree, but I do know that it is important to my dad, and hey... it was the proper time for me!  Graduating at the age of 31 is actually great (for me anyways), I have a great repertoire with my instructors, always the first to volunteer, not shy to provide my opinion - not to mention a bit more eloquent than my other colleagues.

Well, this is just the first step for me and I can't wait to move forward a pursue a graduate degree in Anthropology.

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.

Goodbye My Friend...

Sometimes, when you have someone there through the roughest patches of your life, you imagine they would be there when life is simpler.

Unfortunately, like most things in life, even relationships are uncertain.

This is an email, I sent to my best friend of a decade on January 27th - still no response.  Wish you the best Edwin.

======
I know you're crazy busy, so I thought I'd just share my thoughts with you via email.

I'm just going to share what I am thinking and you can choose what you want to do about it.

I feel like we've been growing apart.  Its really weird, I feel that you have a friend in me, but I don't have a friend in you.  I called 10 times, and if anyone called me that many times friend or not, I'd call to make sure they were alive and that they were ok.

The last 2 years you've had 60 days of leave.  I took the whole year of 2011 off.  You spent 2 days with me and brought your BF - you even asked me if it was ok, how am I suppose to say no!? I don't know, I guess I always catered to your time schedule and needs and never the other way around.  When I was in school in 2010, I had the whole summer off, guess what? you came to visit, while I was in school and you brought your mom - and you said to me - Oh, I wish we could have hang out more... 

The last time we talked I told you I was depressed... You said, oh good, to get your mind off of depression..  I'm not sure if I ever told you I was depressed, but you never asked me why.


You can always confide in me, share your thoughts, I never judge you.  I can't do the same with you.  

You're a smart guy, you're accomplished, but one thing you forgot along the way is how to be a friend.

Yes, I'm moving, Yes, I haven't worked in a year. (and no, don't try to compare it to your moving - with all your expenses paid and your fixed income), I don't know what the future holds and I'm scared, and I can't share that with my best friend.

I guess I've spent almost all of my adult here in Hawaii, you were here in the beginning and the middle of that, the last couple of years - you haven't been there at all.  You're not even in my thoughts really - that's what scares me.  

All of my friends and family knows that I am moving and all of them have made plans with me.  I'm going to Dominican Republic and Haiti as a graduation present to myself.

You might think that me moving is going to change everything between us and put everything back to the way they were - its not.  Not unless you decide you want to be my friend again and make an effort.  Once I go back to work, schedule will become further complicated.  

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say... I guess I'm moving on with my life and writing the next chapters of my life.  You've gone from being a major character to just a cameo.  Don't get me wrong, I'll be there for you when you need me.  

Its even sad the few times when we do talk, you talk to me like we're meeting at a social and we've only met each other once before.  All the phony, How are you?! etc.  

I guess I'm losing one of my best friends, and if you want to be a part of my life, you're going to have to make the effort.


Don't give me theoretical thoughts about being a friend.  Just prove it.  All you have to do is try and it'll fall back into place.

=======

Mahalo for reading.

Until next time.

Strong

You know... I've been posting a lot of things recently, mostly light hearted stuff... 

Which is normally a reflection on my mood and my current stage in life.  

Well, today, I watched this youtube video and I was touched.

For those never bullied - you'll never know how it feels.

The pain, the loneliness, the self-doubt.

Watch this video and congratulate this young man.

Mahalo for reading. 

Until next time.