Let me start with the last line I wrote.
Venting, has made me feel a little better - don't make it awkward - and don't make me regret writing about my emotions.
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While I've been writing a blog for over 5 years, its mostly to write about the things that I am doing.
Most of you reading this may know what I've been up to, but a few only ever really know what I am thinking and feeling. I wouldn't be writing this either, if it wasn't an advice given to me by one of my best friends.
I've been back in Spain for over 2 months, and to be honest - I am quite miserable. I've been quite depressed. I realized that since I've been here I've spent more time confined to my room in the past month, that I did in my old apartment for a whole year. While some of you might think this is a cry for help - it isn't, I'll figure it out - I always have. I guess I'm writing so you can see the signs if one of your friends is going through a rough patch.
I think one of the main reasons I have been feeling quite depressed, is my own expectations. Coming back to Galicia a second year, you think it would be easier, but it isn't. I haven't made any friends - which isn't surprising since I don't really make friends easily. However, coming back to a different place, its like starting back from square 1. New home, new work, new settings, so almost all of the benefits of coming back to Galicia doesn't exist, but the allure of a new place is gone, since everything is familiar.
Being in this mind space of negativity, has allowed me to explore other aspects of my life that I never thought of previously - in a negative light. I've never been on a date here in Spain. While I've always been awkward around the gay community, times like this - I feel undesirable.
Thinking about the last person I had a connection with, just makes me feel even more depressed. I guess its a downward spiral of shame, self-defecating, and my own apartment, feels like a prison.
I've always been an observer and seeing parents suddenly grab their children's hand when I am on my way to work, the silence when I enter the gym, or the constant stares does mess with me even more, since let's face it, I'm depressed.
It's November, and guess how many of my family members have asked me what I am doing for Christmas - ZERO. People have this preconceived notion that people from exotic places can't have fucked up families - the truth is, I have one of the most fucked up families in the world - this is why I hold my friends in such high regard. I don't make friends easily, but when I do, you bet that I'll be there. It's quite amazing really, if I don't make contact with my sisters, probably a year will go by without hearing from them - but you know they have families (so it's my fucking responsibility), not only that, if I go to visit California, I have to go see them at their own time, at their own place, because you know, flying from Spain just wasn't enough. Fortunately for me, one of my friends is flying into Vegas, just to join me and spend time with me this holiday season. Not only that, I have a mother I haven't spoken to in almost a decade - and I have no plans of talking to her - EVER. While most of you may judge me on my actions, you assume that your mother is like my mother - your mother actually has a heart, so its not the same.
Funny thing is I almost left last week, pack up my stuff and go back. I'm not here for the money, and if you saw my salary, you'd agree. I realized that besides work, gym and grocery shopping, I haven't left my house almost the past month. One of the main reasons I chose this EOI was for Spanish classes, and yeah, I haven't been to class the past week - and to be honest, I don't see myself returning in the immediate future. I haven't studied Spanish in a classroom environment since 1997, and this structure of learning is beyond me, I have no idea what grammatical and tense terms are even though I use them on a weekly basis. I say weekly because, let's be honest, I haven't had much interaction with the world outside.
I guess I haven't made it easier either. I've deleted my Facebook, uninstalled my WhatsApp, cancelled my cell phone and ignored emails, but then again that is what someone does when they're in bad mental space.
Writing this has made me feel a little better - surprisingly.
I guess I will go have some coffee, shower (don't ask), do some school work and who knows, tomorrow is a new day. Once I get my new cell phone, I'll activate it.
Special thanks to my friends around the world, you have no idea what kind of strength you give me.
Venting, has made me feel a little better - don't make it awkward - and don't make me regret writing about my emotions.
CHECK OUT MY YOUTUBE VIDEOS HERE:
http://www.youtube.com/user/hawaiiinsomniac/videos
Mahalo for reading.
Until next time.
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